Embracing the "Blah"

Life is a lot about taking chances, but certain perceived risks, like walking up to a complete stranger and starting a conversation seem less scary here. It's like there is less to lose. No, it is BECAUSE there is less to lose. And by that I mean there is nothing to lose. Leaving all you know and what once was means a chance to start all over again. In essence it means a complete overhaul of what you knew versus what is NOW. And there is nothing more present than now.

I did this last weekend at a party. It was as though all of the strange insecurities that may have blighted me before vacated the atmosphere and I was left with the perfectness that comes from the pure honesty of what remains. What is that? Carelessness? Openness? An emptiness, a void, that lets the rest through? It happens. And when you are at your most vulnerable, you allow it to filter through the things that may have stopped you in the past.

So, there is none of the usual awkardness. I have met some remarkable people here this way and I plan to continue. The often uncomfortable rawness I feel is serving me in good ways by giving me access to a truthful part of me I haven't seen in a long time.

Am I finally letting go of Los Angeles and the expectations I had of that strange city of angels? Am I finally letting go of the person I thought I needed to BE there? Crap. Maybe I am. Maybe the awkwardness of moving here is not just the place but also my painful shift into the reality of who I really am without all of the subterfuge. It's the letting go again. This time, of my expectations.

One of the very same women I approached with no misgivings was the one who later told me that you cannot hold on to what you knew before you came here. She is an American like myself and she has been here for over a year. She told me that the best you can do is not to hold expectations, to go with the flow, to realize that nothing will be like you knew it and to, yes, let it go. The best preparation is to be unprepared and open to what comes. This was during a phone conversation about getting her crock pot to me because she's leaving and kindly wanted to pass it on. A crock pot! And then the passing on of a wisdom I was meant to hear from a person who knows. And by the way, this lovely woman is the kind of enviable Supermom who bakes lots of cookies and dresses all of her three beautiful young girls in matching outfits, every day! I think it's adorable, actually, but I'm lucky if I can find matching pajamas on any given night for my one and only. So, if she can give up her perceived expectations and go with the flow, there is hope for me.

I am grateful for her insight but the true lesson only comes with time and the actual physical release of the "blah." The feeling of utter blah and void and trepidation. The acceptance comes when you embrace the blah, live with it and like I said...finally...let. it. go.